Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Shame and Self-Critique
Lorena Salthu
– Last updated: June 18, 2024
Shame is a distressing emotion linked to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. It often arises from self-critical thoughts and can be more intense and enduring than embarrassment.
Shame is a profound and distressing emotion often tied to feelings of inadequacy, imperfection, or being unworthy of love. This emotion can manifest in both social and solitary settings. Unlike mere embarrassment, shame is typically more profound and lingering. It often stems from thoughts such as:
- “I should have managed that situation better. What is wrong with me?”
- “People will think less of me. I must be a loser.”
- “Why can’t I resolve this? Am I stupid?”
- “I am a horrible parent for yelling at my kids.”
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher, defines shame as «the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging»
The Role of Social Belonging
Shame may function as a social regulator, discouraging behaviors that go against societal norms, thereby preserving social cohesion. Humans have an innate desire to belong to groups for security and resource sharing, which historically has been crucial for survival. In a social context, the loss of esteem or respect from others can lead to feelings of rejection, which taps into a fundamental fear of social isolation and vulnerability.
Even when alone, individuals might feel shame, particularly when they perceive that their actions could be negatively judged by others. This often leads to self-judgment, even though we might be more forgiving of others in similar situations. For instance, we might empathize with a friend’s mistake, understanding that everyone is fallible.
Perfectionism and Its Connection to Shame
Individuals with perfectionistic tendencies or who are highly self-critical often experience frequent bouts of shame (Brown, 2007). For these individuals, failing to achieve perfection is seen as a threat to their social acceptance. For example, a parent striving to be perfect may feel ashamed after losing their temper with their child. Similarly, an employee who is publicly corrected by a supervisor might experience feelings of shame.
Shame often proves destructive to both our well-being and productivity. Unlike guilt, which can motivate constructive responses to amend a wrong, shame usually does not result from actual harm and can lead to damaging self-doubt and rumination.
Effective Coping Strategies
Here are several tips to help manage and overcome self-critical thoughts:
1. Evaluate the Actual Harm:
Consider incidents where you might feel embarrassed but no actual harm was done, like tripping in a public space. Recognizing the absence of a victim can help diminish feelings of shame.
2. Reject Negative Self-Assessments:
It’s easy to spiral into negative self-comparisons, such as feeling inferior because someone else has a better job or a nicer house.
Instead, focus on your own strengths and the aspects of your life that you appreciate.
3. Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness meditation can be an effective tool for letting go of persistent negative thoughts, helping to shift from a self-critical to a more self-accepting mindset.
4. Increase Physical Activity:
Engaging in physical activities like walking, dancing, or exercising can help clear your mind and shift your focus from negative thoughts.
5. Treat Yourself with Kindness:
If you react poorly in a situation, such as shouting at a child who is simply acting like a child, take a moment to apologize and discuss their feelings. Then, offer yourself the same understanding and forgiveness you would offer to a friend.
6. Seek Support:
If you find yourself overwhelmed by feelings of shame despite trying other strategies, discussing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can be very helpful.
7. Professional Assistance:
If feelings of shame are persistent and interfere with your daily life, consider seeking professional help. Various forms of therapy can offer effective strategies and relief.
Key Takeaways & Conclusion
While shame is a common human emotion, it can significantly disrupt one’s life satisfaction and daily functioning. Understanding the triggers of shame and employing strategies to manage its impact can lead to quicker recovery and a more balanced emotional state.
With over 25 years of international experience in clinical and corporate settings, Lorena Salthu is a psychological counselor (Argentina) with specializations in Psychoneuroimmunology (Spain and the U.S.), psychoanalysis at EFPP (France), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
She practices clinically in London, Monaco, and Paris, offering services in Spanish, French, and English. She is also a member of the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society in the United Kingdom.
As the founder of PSY S.O.S, Lorena has created a global platform dedicated to providing free psychological crisis support, promoting mental health as an inherent human right.
Lorena Salthu – Founder of PSY S.O.S
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