Why People Ghost and How It Makes Them Feel: A Psychoanalytic Perspective

Lorena Salthu

– Last updated: June 18, 2024

Avoiding Confrontation, but Ignoring the Cost

Content:

Receiving the silent treatment is universally acknowledged as extremely painful. It eliminates any opportunity to address the underlying issue, leaving the recipient distressed and feeling punished. In recent years, the term “ghosting” has emerged to describe the abrupt and unexplained severance of a relationship by one party. This phenomenon is not confined to dating scenarios; it also occurs among friends and family members. Given its prevalence and the emotional turmoil it causes, researchers have sought to understand the dynamics of ghosting more thoroughly.

In a recent study by Wu and Bamishigbin (2023), interviews with 34 undergraduates who had ghosted others were analyzed. The study’s demographic breakdown included 68% female and 32% male participants, with 65% identifying as Latinx, 15% as Asian/American, 12% as African American, 3% as European/European American, 3% as Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, and 3% as Middle Eastern. This diversity contrasts with the predominantly Caucasian samples often used in psychological research, suggesting the need for further studies across different demographic groups.

Wu and Bamishigbin (2023) explored three main aspects of ghosting: the reasons for ghosting, the ghoster’s attitudes towards it, and the emotional consequences for the ghosters. The findings offer valuable insights into not only the ghosting process but also the characteristics of individuals likely to ghost others.

Why People Ghost?

The most frequently cited reason for ghosting was a clear cause, such as incompatibility, clinginess, inappropriate behavior, or unreciprocated feelings. The second most common reason was the desire to avoid confrontation. The third reason, described as short-term orientation, referred to a preference for short-term interactions rather than a long-term relationship. The fourth reason involved the ghostee not meeting the ghoster’s standards or being perceived as socially inferior. Ghosters often described ghostees as needy, pushy, annoying, insecure, jealous, and many other undesirable traits. This aligns with psychoanalytic theory, which suggests that ghosting can be a defense mechanism to avoid the anxiety associated with confrontation and emotional intimacy (Freud, 1923).

The Ghosting Process

Interestingly, most ghosters did not begin the cut-off process by blocking the ghostee. Initially, they attempted to ignore the ghostees communication efforts. If the ghostee persisted, the ghoster would then resort to blocking. Ghostees often used various methods to reach out, including contacting mutual connections or engaging in social media activity. In some cases, ghosters reported experiencing stalking behavior, which led to blocking the ghostee. The psychoanalytic concept of the repetition compulsion (Freud, 1920) may explain why some ghostees repeatedly attempt to reconnect, as they unconsciously seek resolution for the abrupt disconnection.

Consequences of Ghosting for the Ghosters

Ghosters reported a complex range of emotions post-ghosting. While some felt relief and happiness, others experienced guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, and even a sense of having done something wrong. Many justified their actions through cognitive dissonance, convincing themselves that the ghostee was a bad person who deserved to be cut off. Over time, some ghosters developed more remorse about hurting someone, while others became more satisfied with their decision. A subset of ghosters reported no emotional
impact at all. This emotional detachment can be understood through the lens of psychoanalytic theory as a defense mechanism to protect the ego from guilt and anxiety (Klein, 1946).

Most ghosters acknowledged that their actions were hurtful and recognized that direct communication would have been more appropriate. However, they engaged in avoidant behavior to sidestep the discomfort of confrontation. This avoidance deprives ghostees
of closure, which is crucial for emotional healing. Psychoanalytically, this can be seen as an unconscious repetition of unresolved conflicts, where the ghoster projects their own discomfort and unresolved issues onto the ghostee (Freud, 1917).

Conclusion

Ghosting, a prevalent modern phenomenon, involves complex psychological dynamics. Ghosters often act out of a desire to avoid confrontation and maintain emotional distance, but this behavior has significant emotional consequences for both parties. Understanding these dynamics can help individuals navigate their relationships more thoughtfully and consider the emotional impact of their actions. For ghosters, recognizing the pain caused by ghosting and striving for direct communication can foster healthier, more respectful relationships.

References

Freud, S. (1923). The Ego and the Id. London: Hogarth Press.
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle. London: Hogarth Press.
Freud, S. (1917). Mourning and Melancholia. London: Hogarth Press.
Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99-110.
Wu, T., & Bamishigbin, O. (2023). An Analysis of Ghosting Behavior: Interviews with Undergraduates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 345-367.
Wu.K.and Bamishigbin.(2023)When silence speaks louder than words:Exploring the
experiences and attitudes of ghosters.Personal Relationships.30:1358-1382.

With over 25 years of international experience in clinical and corporate settings, Lorena Salthu is a psychological counselor (Argentina) with specializations in Psychoneuroimmunology (Spain and the U.S.), psychoanalysis at EFPP (France), and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

She practices clinically in London, Monaco, and Paris, offering services in Spanish, French, and English. She is also a member of the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society in the United Kingdom.

As the founder of PSY S.O.S, Lorena has created a global platform dedicated to providing free psychological crisis support, promoting mental health as an inherent human right.

Lorena Salthu – Founder of PSY S.O.S